Laurin and Kelly Talk

I've Moved!

Hi there. I have a brand new home. Please come visit me at my new blog, Laurin Evans. My first post will explain everything. Don't forget to subscribe and thank you so much for reading.

Squirrel Relocation Device

I pretty much wouldn't have blog content these days without my father's help. He sent me this video. I guffawed. The music kind of makes it.

My father's battles against the squirrels in his backyard in Mississippi are epic. He loves watching birds from his back patio and apparently his experience is being ruined by squirrels. RUINED! I have to hear an anti-squirrel fervor-esque rant every time I talk to him. So once a day.

I made my dad swear not to let Jake shoot at the squirrels with the rubber pellet gun he uses when we visit over the summer, but I have to leave the house sometime and I'm sure it's gonna happen. Maybe I can convince him it would be a better bonding experience with Jake and slightly less likely to turn my son into a serial killer if he made this catapult.

I don't know why people are so angry with the squirrels, but anti-squirrel products make up a gazillion dollar a year industry. If you don't want to spend any money, however, you can make your own squirrel relocation device.

Note: I'm pretty sure squirrels were harmed in the making of this video and I am anti-that. But, I am pro-guffaw.

 

Happy Mother's Day!

I hope all the mothers out there have a great day tomorrow. I never expected to win Mother of the Year, but I did. This is so unexpected. I didn't even prepare anything to say!

Kelly totally made my day by sending me this personalized news video about me winning Mother of the Year by MomsRising.org. It's a bit of a sensation. You've got to see it. It's hilarious. It's simple to send one to all the moms you know. I did. Thanks, Kel!

Swine Flu Funnies

My father sent me this today trying to cheer me up because I'm grouchy. I don't know where it came from, but it made me laugh. Particularly since I had to go to the ER today because of a migraine and I'm a little worried about germs.

Thanks, Dad.

What Passes for Exercise Around Here

Before you even go there, this is a list of things that are the only exercise I'm getting lately and should not be taken as a reference to my sex life. I'm talking about the lack of the kind of exercise where you break a sweat, get your heart racing, and wear appropriate clothing. Ok, that didn't clarify anything, but here goes.

1.  Re-assembling, cleaning, and searching my house all day every day as my children move furniture around, build forts, move the contents of the pantry under the bed and eat everything like squirrels, switch rooms on a whim, set up a zoo in the middle of my bed with all 5,372 of their stuffed animals, put my favorite shirts on the stinky dog, and hide things I really need like keys, cell phones and tampons. Yes, I know I'm doing it wrong.

2.  Chewing.

3.  Furminating the dog. No eye rolling. Yellow labs are very sheddy and it's quite a workout.

4.  Looking in vain for things I hide from myself. Just this weekend: The cordless phone (in a stack of folded laundry where the intercom function can't be heard, on top of the car, and actually sitting on the base where I assumed it wouldn't be); my peanut M&M stash; the plug for the griddle - I remember putting it where "it would be more convenient" (no pancakes, sob); my camera (was gonna post the most awesome stuff to Twitter with TwitPic for everyone to enjoy); my Best Buy credit card (this one saved me some cash).

5. Answering questions about what time we will be going somewhere, when someone will be coming over for a playdate, and whether a birthday party can be held at Chuck E Cheese, every 30 seconds for however many hours, days, or months (10) are remaining until said event. Hey, I have lung capacity to rival that magician dude.

6. Typing and mouse-clicking. You DON'T want to thumb-wrestle me!

7.  Raising my eyebrows and lifting the corners of my eyes with my fingers repeatedly trying to gauge how many syringes of Botox would be necessary to reverse the ravages of time, then creating a spreadsheet comparing the cost of periodic injections for the next 10 years with one giant, expensive surgery and month-long recovery at a spa when I'm in my 50's. This is mentally and physically exhausting.

8.  Brushing my twins' hair before school. This is a full-contact sport involving side lunges, heading off at the pass, and laying in wait around corners. Sometimes my husband plays and I get to set picks, clothesline kids, and go long for brush catches.

As you can imagine from reading my list, I am in peak physical condition.

I'm participating in abdpbt's Listless Monday, so click on over and read some more lists.

The Best Thing That Ever Happened to My Hair

This is a post I originally wrote for the Blissful Style Channel of Blissfully Domestic - my other gig. I am re-posting it here because I am very excited that I am going to be on the "Try It Before You Buy It" segment of our local news show 10 Connects at 4 PM today. I will link the video here once it goes live. Link. Let me know what you think, and people, BUY THE BEST DRYER EVER!

I recently made peace with my long, wavy hair, and by made peace I mean surrendered long after I had been soundly beaten. Despite the unrelenting nature of my hair's innately thick and wavy texture, I have been blowing it out and straightening it since junior high, and before that I made my mother do it.

My earliest beauty memory is clutching a bottle of new shampoo as a child and hoping against hope that it was this particular bottle that would finally transform my wild mop into the shiny and sleek tresses of a golden girl. I wanted straight hair, and always have. That shampoo bottle did not contain the magic potion, and I have spent the last three decades being easily seduced by every new appliance and product being peddled by the hair care industry in search of it.

When the flat iron came around, I thought I had finally been given the key to achieving the hair of my dreams. With no small investment of time and amount of hair product du jour I was able to get my hair as straight as a supermodel's. For about five minutes. I live in Florida, the land of humidity and hurricanes, so good hair days for me are few and far between.

One day about six months ago I just couldn't fight nature any longer and started letting my hair dry naturally, about a three hour process. My friends and family let me know right away they liked my wavy hair and, oh yeah, I looked ten years younger. Gaaaaaahh!  Still, I wasn't content and I felt my hair always looked a little homespun.

A week ago my life changed forever. I read about a strange new hair dryer by Remington called the Remington Emi Airwave Style System. Allegedly, this hair dryer would spin and smooth your hair into perfectly styled waves in a fraction of the time without so much as a brush needed. Yeah, right. I raced to Target to get it. See above problem with hair products.

After reading the directions, I got started on what I figured would be another shameful chapter in my hair saga. See the attachment tube? I separated a section of hair at a time, turned on the dryer, and dropped the ends of the hair sections into the tube. A vortex of air sucks the hair in and spins it round and round, drying it from the roots to the ends into a perfect curl.

When all of the sections of my hair were dry a mere eight minutes later, it looked like I had smooth dreadlocks, a look I hadn't really considered at this stage of my life. After letting my curls set for a minute or two, I finger-combed each section apart and checked myself out in the mirror. Holy hairnet! My hair looked amazing. The curls were perfect and I looked like I had just come from the salon. Shower to done in about 10 minutes, with an actual hairstyle. Life changing!

I am in awe of how well this hair dryer works. It's got the necessary 1875 watts, speed and heat settings, and uses ionic and ceramic technology. Of course, this level of fabulous comes with a steep price. You're going to need $24.99. Update: Get one on Amazon! I'm sure there's going to be a run on these things once the word gets out.

It is impossible to overstate how amazing this dryer is. Unless I were to tell you this is my "after" picture.

Photo Source: Amanky, Target, Remington, Zimbio

Enough With the Fake Coffee Drinking, Hollywood!

 

I don't recall ever going on a rant here on the blog before, but I swear to cheese I have HAD IT!

My snarky, bitchy, irritable and generally pissed-off self pretty much simmers quietly below the surface and is satiated by reading the good people of the Internet who pretty much let that beast run wild every day. *decided not to linkbait here* I think blog rants are best handled by the professionals and even my Twitter rants are pretty mild.

But when something sets me off, something so hideous, so ridiculous, so unfathomable as the fake coffee drinking on the new to me Grey's Anatomy re-run last night, I can't control it any longer!

Watching television requires suspension of disbelief, obviously, because it isn't real. But I don't want to be reminded it isn't real while I am trying really hard to give a shit about digest the fact that Cristina and Derek are having a heart to heart in the kitchen of the boarding house about the chick who just ran in their house and kicked both of them out of Meredith's bed before work and how they were calling each other by the pet names "Death" and "Die". That is dramatic gold, and it was ruined.

I mean I'm really wondering why I watch this show trying to feel their respective pain when my concentration is interrupted by a longer than necessary shot of coffee being poured and then the director feels it is vitally important to the shot to show Meredith's two remoras drinking out of their just poured FULL coffee cups in such a way as to pour half of it down their chests. What the...? 

Why, why, why can't they take a normal sip of coffee so we can stay in the moment? Is it such a production nightmare that we can't at least simulate realistic coffee drinking? I realize they shoot many takes of each scene and that potentially there are several sips of coffee that would be required, but so what? Are the actors off coffee? They can't all be. Wouldn't coffee actually help you get through shooting multiple scenes of mind-numbing drivel?

Are the actors worried that they will be served sub-standard coffee? Will it not be hot enough, like for that douche on Flipping Out who needs his coffee at 150 degrees? Are they afraid it will melt their lip fillers? That's what riders are for dumbasses! And agents and publicists and handlers and on set boyfriends and girlfriends. They are there to ensure quality control in every aspect of your lives. Put them to work. They will make sure the beverage is what you require in order to access your best work in that scene. The brown liquid you drink could be dark rum for that matter, not mentioning any names. Again, it's about improving the acting.

Considering the 3000 production jobs that roll in the credits, what's one more? Beverage Realism Engineer. They are leaving out the one person who could raise their crappy little show to art. I will totally fill that position. Hell, I will start a company that reps people in that profession and change the face of Hollywood forever. Under my tutelage there will even be a new Emmy category: Best Beverage Consumption Simulation in a Television Drama.

In my entire history of watching television, I have never once seen a realistic sip of coffee, or soda for that matter. Alcoholic drinks yes, coffee and soda, no. Do you know when you open a Coke and you take that first sip that's really fizzy and you barely move the can at all and then you hiccup? Why have they never shown that even once? They just pop the top, lean their head back and tilt the can halfway to the sky. Aaargh! Just once I would like a little fizzy hiccup and a "Scuse me. What were you saying?"

So back to the coffee. I have more ideas. It doesn't have to be hot. It doesn't have to be full. It doesn't have to be coffee. Coke? Diet Coke, if the actor is watching her weight? *maniacal laughter* It could be some hippy dippy raw food macrobiotic colon cleansing infusion of dirt upon which the Dalai Lama strode. The point is WHATEVER. See above information on contracts and quality control.

Hollywood, it's time to take a realistic sip of that which you are being filmed drinking! It's called acting, people. Lift the cup like it actually contains several ounces of a beverage and isn't light as air.

Also, act authentically while holding or carrying coffee. Don't carry those 4 cups of mego largey coffees in a flimsy cardboard carrying tray with one hand while punching at an elevator button and relating the less than satisfying bedroom activities of the previous evening to your girlfriend. That takes focus. Further, don't wildly gesture about how he can't commit with the hand holding your full latte when all we are thinking at home is "No way. That totally would have scalded off that other bitch's face!" Attention actors and directors in Hollywood! It's time to step up your game because you are losing me.

By the way, I've never seen Christian Bale drink coffee in one of his films and now I know why. He would never put up with this shit. NEVER.

Am I wrong? I can't be the only one who thinks this. Validate me, please!

Photo Credit: joeltelling

What Are You Wearing?

It's just me, sitting here working on projects and realizing I haven't posted in a while, and this is all I've got at the moment.

My mother sent this to me in an e-mail and it startled me a bit when I first opened it, but it makes me happy. I let him watch me while I'm working at the computer. Yeah, this giraffe and probably a bunch of other people, since I now have a webcam perched on my monitor and I don't really know how to work Skype. Can that happen? Am I being watched?

White Shirt Wednesday returns next week!

I've Got Missedblissdomitis. Bad.

I'm having a wee bit of writer's block combined with the "I've got family in town" excuse and a whiff of general malaise. That's a bona fide syndrome, right? I've even got a thousand yard stare like Stains the Cupcake Dog from The Soup.

My daily blog reads always inspire me, but didn't help me at all with my condition today because I read Shannon at Rocks in My Dryer and started playing the United States map game. Geography was always a weak subject for me in school and my aptitude apparently hasn't improved one bit. Give it a try. The kids will love it, but I won't be showing it to them until I burn myself out playing it.

If you aren't already reading Shannon's blog, go visit. She needs the traffic, poor thing! I was so looking forward to meeting Shannon and many other incredible writers at Blissdom this past weekend, but on Thursday night Jake had an allergic reaction to something and high fever and I just couldn't bring myself to leave him to fly to Nashville for the weekend.

Between following the real-time festivities on Twitter and reading everyone's blog posts about how amazing the weekend was, I've been in quite a funk. I wonder how long Missedblissdomitis lasts?

Photo Credit: Theramina

In Which I Steal Content For a Good Reason

No, Kelly, my kids didn't do this. If my kids drew a "be like mommy" picture I would be in front of my computer with Jack standing behind me with that look on his face saying, "What's a blog again?"

I blatantly stole this from Elle of Blue Monkey Butt this morning (she knows). No one better tell me this was done by an adult as a joke and that Snopes has already disproved it, because it's freakin' hysterical and I want to believe!

Here's what the mom wrote to the teacher the next day:

Dear Mrs. Jones,

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. 
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit.  I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it.  Her picture doesn’t show me dancing around a pole. It’s supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,

Mrs.  Smith

I'm glad my kids go to a school where a parent signature is required on every homework page. Don't let this happen to you!

Update: I linked up to Navel Gazing at its Finest. This is the first day of Sue's carnival, Very Funny Friday. I cheated like a couple of others because this is Thursday's post. I'm a cheater pants AND a content stealer. Click over and get some funny!