I don't recall ever going on a rant here on the blog before, but I swear to cheese I have HAD IT!
My snarky, bitchy, irritable and generally pissed-off self pretty much simmers quietly below the surface and is satiated by reading the good people of the Internet who pretty much let that beast run wild every day. *decided not to linkbait here* I think blog rants are best handled by the professionals and even my Twitter rants are pretty mild.
But when something sets me off, something so hideous, so ridiculous, so unfathomable as the fake coffee drinking on the new to me Grey's Anatomy re-run last night, I can't control it any longer!
Watching television requires suspension of disbelief, obviously, because it isn't real. But I don't want to be reminded it isn't real while I am trying really hard to give a shit about digest the fact that Cristina and Derek are having a heart to heart in the kitchen of the boarding house about the chick who just ran in their house and kicked both of them out of Meredith's bed before work and how they were calling each other by the pet names "Death" and "Die". That is dramatic gold, and it was ruined.
I mean I'm really wondering why I watch this show trying to feel their respective pain when my concentration is interrupted by a longer than necessary shot of coffee being poured and then the director feels it is vitally important to the shot to show Meredith's two remoras drinking out of their just poured FULL coffee cups in such a way as to pour half of it down their chests. What the...?
Why, why, why can't they take a normal sip of coffee so we can stay in the moment? Is it such a production nightmare that we can't at least simulate realistic coffee drinking? I realize they shoot many takes of each scene and that potentially there are several sips of coffee that would be required, but so what? Are the actors off coffee? They can't all be. Wouldn't coffee actually help you get through shooting multiple scenes of mind-numbing drivel?
Are the actors worried that they will be served sub-standard coffee? Will it not be hot enough, like for that douche on Flipping Out who needs his coffee at 150 degrees? Are they afraid it will melt their lip fillers? That's what riders are for dumbasses! And agents and publicists and handlers and on set boyfriends and girlfriends. They are there to ensure quality control in every aspect of your lives. Put them to work. They will make sure the beverage is what you require in order to access your best work in that scene. The brown liquid you drink could be dark rum for that matter, not mentioning any names. Again, it's about improving the acting.
Considering the 3000 production jobs that roll in the credits, what's one more? Beverage Realism Engineer. They are leaving out the one person who could raise their crappy little show to art. I will totally fill that position. Hell, I will start a company that reps people in that profession and change the face of Hollywood forever. Under my tutelage there will even be a new Emmy category: Best Beverage Consumption Simulation in a Television Drama.
In my entire history of watching television, I have never once seen a realistic sip of coffee, or soda for that matter. Alcoholic drinks yes, coffee and soda, no. Do you know when you open a Coke and you take that first sip that's really fizzy and you barely move the can at all and then you hiccup? Why have they never shown that even once? They just pop the top, lean their head back and tilt the can halfway to the sky. Aaargh! Just once I would like a little fizzy hiccup and a "Scuse me. What were you saying?"
So back to the coffee. I have more ideas. It doesn't have to be hot. It doesn't have to be full. It doesn't have to be coffee. Coke? Diet Coke, if the actor is watching her weight? *maniacal laughter* It could be some hippy dippy raw food macrobiotic colon cleansing infusion of dirt upon which the Dalai Lama strode. The point is WHATEVER. See above information on contracts and quality control.
Hollywood, it's time to take a realistic sip of that which you are being filmed drinking! It's called acting, people. Lift the cup like it actually contains several ounces of a beverage and isn't light as air.
Also, act authentically while holding or carrying coffee. Don't carry those 4 cups of mego largey coffees in a flimsy cardboard carrying tray with one hand while punching at an elevator button and relating the less than satisfying bedroom activities of the previous evening to your girlfriend. That takes focus. Further, don't wildly gesture about how he can't commit with the hand holding your full latte when all we are thinking at home is "No way. That totally would have scalded off that other bitch's face!" Attention actors and directors in Hollywood! It's time to step up your game because you are losing me.
By the way, I've never seen Christian Bale drink coffee in one of his films and now I know why. He would never put up with this shit. NEVER.
Am I wrong? I can't be the only one who thinks this. Validate me, please!
Photo Credit: joeltelling
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