Kelly, I have been working on a pocket post on bullying since the day we started this blog. I read something recently that turned everything I thought I knew about this problem, its causes, and the solution on its ear.
In the September issue of Wonder Time, the article "How To Bullyproof Your Child" provoked me like nothing has in a long time. If bullying is on your radar I encourage you to click the link because I'm sure I won't do it justice.
I have always been worried about bullying, even as the twins still resided in my belly. I can't explain worrying about something that was years away except to say my own grade-school experiences profoundly affected me and I knew it was something I would inevitably have to deal with again.
The memories of my earlier school days are mostly wonderful, but despite a certain amount of success - I was a good athlete and was in the top of my class academically - I experienced varying degrees of bullying until I was in High School.
I was called all manner of names relating to my excess of height, lack of weight and dearth of rack. Not vicious attacks, but they registered. It wasn't that bad for me, as there were the unfortunate few who truly suffered daily verbal taunts and were systematically excluded. I think of those kids often and wonder where they are today and how their lives unfolded, given this early trauma.
I engaged in the roulette wheel of girl group bullying where I never knew when my clique of friends would turn on me and I'd be the odd girl out. This happened daily, with a different girl being the target, and no one knew where the ball would drop on any given day. There was always a base level of anxiety festering within me every morning before school, my own Heidi Klum on my shoulder telling me "One day you're in, and the next day you're out!"
Everything I have ever read about bullying led me to believe that the offenders are just in pain or insecure. Actually, it turns out most bullyers are quite confident and have higher self-esteem than the bullied, and that it is basic primal human nature to enjoy teasing others. That's tough to swallow.
It is counterintuitive to me to believe that someone who is mean to others and enjoys it is a confident, happy individual. I've always consoled myself with the belief that meanies of all ages are the ones with the problem. It seems more logical to believe that hurting others is spawned by hurt. However, once I mulled it over it made perfect sense that the victims are the only ones with the power to effect real change.
I wish to spare Erin the pain of bullying and hoping it won't happen is not a plan. Izzy Kalman, one of the psychologists quoted in the article says that school anti-bullying programs are not working and that reporting of bullies may lead to further torment.
The tagline of the article is "The secret? It's a game. The only rule is: If you get upset, you lose." What shows other kids that you are upset more than running to an authority figure to fight your fight? Of course none of this applies to physical abuse or dangerous situations, which should always be reported.
Kalman makes it clear she isn't blaming the victims but one problem she has with anti-bullying programs is that they encourage kids to think they are entitled to a life free from people who upset them. This lesson for kids is actually more insidious than it seems, and can affect more than just social relationships, for a lifetime.
So how do you stop bullying? Give kids tools to respond that don't involve anger or showing hurt. Role play with kids on the different ways they can respond to the things bullies do and say. Supposedly, just being nice in return takes the wind out of a bullies sails. They are expecting their victims to get upset, and this delights them. Responding in a neutral and friendly manner can change the whole dynamic.
Kids need some comebacks, some zingers that will get the bully or their sidekicks laughing, interested, curious, or thinking about something else. I also think that role playing can desensitize kids to some hurtful comments in a safe environment where they know it's not directed at them. Hearing from your mom that a kid who is clearly not on the cutting edge of fashion won't think your mis-matched socks are cute may take the sting out of someone mocking their haircut, and enable them to respond in a productive way.
As my kids start kindergarten this week, I feel more equipped than ever to help them through this should it happen to them. Again. Erin was bullied this past year in preschool by one little girl, despite my best efforts and the efforts of extremely conscientious teachers and aides. It was devastating for Erin, and me. I told her many times that this girl must be very unhappy to want to make Erin unhappy as well. Problem is, that girl never seemed unhappy. She seemed quite self-assured, just as psychologists have concluded bullies are.
My "just ignore her" advice now seems naive and pointless. Sometimes you can't ignore a bully or walk away. Sometimes cruelties are hissed at you while you sit in class or wait in line and have to be addressed lest your lip begin to quiver or worse, actual tears begin to fall. I have seen my baby's eyes fill and overflow asking me why this little girl was so mean to her. It is an indescribable pain. I would prefer to bandage a cut that I know will heal. Sometimes bullying wounds just don't.
I will empower my kids to speak up in their own defense this year by continuing to role-play. This approach in no way encourages the victims to bully back. Just the opposite. Kill 'em with kindness. Or humor. Or distract them. I'm training Erin to say "Oh my gosh, look! Are those the kids from High School Musical?
I am interested to know what others think of this approach. Did you have any bullying experiences that still affect you? If you have kids, what do you tell them? I need all the help I can get!
Update: I was so proud to recently discover that Shannon of Rocks in my Dryer had mentioned me in an insightful post she wrote for BlogHer on the subject of bullying. Yes, that Rocks in my Dryer. Swoon.
Photo credit: Steven Fernandez
